


Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This

by AntivanCrafts



Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: M/M, we don’t take mr peanutbutter’s name in vain in this house
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 07:24:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13230825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AntivanCrafts/pseuds/AntivanCrafts
Summary: A rough series of vignettes centered around what the characters think love is, starting with Bojack and ending with Bojack, the way he would want it.





	Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This

“Mom?”

Beatrice sighed and drew an impatient noise between her teeth with her tongue that had Bojack reflexively flinching. “What?” She asked, rolling her head back on her neck so that she only had to look at him sidelong, letting him know in every way but verbal that she had been tired of hearing his voice before he’d even asked the question. “What is it, Bojack? And can it fit into the next thirty seconds, because that’s when I’m going to leave this room.”

Bojack spoke as quickly as he could, stumbling over himself in his haste to get the question out. “Mom, wh-when did you um, when did you-”

She sighed again, with an edge of a hiss, and he slammed his mouth shut when she stubbed out her cigarette. “Quit flapping your mouth and out with it already, you know I hate it when you mumble.”

“When did you know you liked dad!” He nearly shouted this time, his hands clasped over his belly where it had started to clench and tighten, the same was it always seemed to when he talked to mom. Or when he thought about Rusty Goldstein and the way he always saved him a seat on the bus in the morning.

Beatrice’s eye narrowed at him. “You ever go used car shopping, Bojack?”

“N-”

“You ever look at all of those pretty cars, with their gloss and glitz and showfillies ready to pounce of the first swinging dick to swing their way?”

“I-”

“And for a moment,” she went on as if he hadn’t said anything at all, “for just that one brief, shining, terrifying moment, you can only see that fresh coat of paint and nothing else? Because you’re looking at that used car and it's all you can or even want to see, that shine makes it that much harder to see the empty place in your own life where the paint has cracked and flaked away?”

Bojack had pulled back on the footrest, hugging himself tighter. He shook his head, as much to deny the question as he was answering it.

Beatrice snorted, a rough sound that made him jump. “It was nothing like that.”

“Who said that?”

“What?” Bojack’s head reared up, staring at Mr. Peanutbutter like he’d never seen him before, and for a moment, he didn’t even know what decade it was. Not until Mr. Peanutbutter gave that laugh he always did when he was confused, but wanted to reassure the person who’d confused him.

“I asked you who your first crush was,” Mr. Peanutbutter said patiently, “and you stared into space for ten minutes before saying that love is like a used car. And let me tell you, you are so right.”

“Huh?”

“Getting into the seat of a well-loved car and feeling him hold you up like you don’t weigh anything is the best feeling in the world.”

“What?” Bojack dragged a hand over his mouth, eyes wide and wide around the edges like he’d been spooked -which, he supposed he had- and swallowed hard. “Wait a minute, you said ‘him.’”

“Did I?” Mr. Peanutbutter smiled that doggy smile of his, his tongue poking out just a bit between his front teeth.

“You did!” Bojack said roughly. “Just now! Right now! You said ‘him.’ You said ‘feeling him hold you up.’ Aren’t cars and ships traditionally referred to as women?”

“Sure,” Mr. Peanutbutter said agreeably, “but all my cars have been hims. You have to be respectful about these things.”

Bojack opened his mouth, held up a hand, and closed his mouth. “You… wh- no, that’s-” Mr. Peanutbutter cocked his head, ears perked, and waited for Bojack to finish stumbling to the end of his sentence without interruption, which Bojack found unsettling for reasons he couldn’t quite articulate. “You can’t just do that!” He eventually settled on, and felt oddly accomplished at getting anything at all out past that cramp in all four of his stomachs.

“Do what?” Mr. Peanutbutter seemed genuinely puzzled, but then, he often did.

“Just! Joke about respecting things, when you don’t!”

Mr. Peanutbutter squinted over an uncertain smile, like he was waiting for a punchline that wasn’t coming. “I? Wasn’t? Respecting pronouns isn’t a laughing matter,” he told Bojack, resting his hands on his hips like he was preparing one of his speeches.

“Oh god, you’re preparing one of your speeches.”

“You know what else deserves respect,” Mr. Peanutbutter said, thrusting out his chest in a way Bojack tried very hard not to notice, to the point of turning away and shielding his eye, “a man, woman, or otherwise’s ability to go out and buy that used car of your dreams!”

“Mr. Peanutbutter, I was in no way talking about buying an actual car, oh god, why are you touching me now?”

Mr. Peanutbutter released him and held up his hands, but was still making shooing motions. “We are going to fulfill your dreams of finding love!”

“What are you... ? Wait, no, I haven’t authorized this, I need at least eight to twelve business day’s notice before any zany shenanigans!”

“News to me,” Todd said without getting up, holding up a finger so that it could be seen over the back of the couch from where they both stood in the doorway to the bedroom. “Usually though, your zany shenanigans are less ‘zany’ and more…”

“Wild romps fit for hours of family fun?” Mr. Peanutbutter asked eagerly, eyes brightening as he hopped in place with eagerness to answer the question.

Todd’s pointer finger curled. “Uh. Sure,” he said hesitantly, drawing out the ‘sure’ to an improbable length Bojack considered finding offensive.

“Good! I’m glad that we can both agree on this!” Mr. Peanutbutter beamed, propelling Bojack out the door of the apartment without actually touching him at all. 


End file.
